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The Power of Friendship

Our family is not large. There are  Just the 4 of us, my brother Dan, Rhonda and Alexis and Megan and Matt in Kansas City. Fortunately  we have a wonderful extended family of friends here and around the country. I’m reminded of the saying “make new friends but keep the old, One is silver and the other gold.” We have a group of family friends that we met when our oldest children ( now going on 50) were starting preschool. We have all been through so much together. They are our chosen  family. The women are among a group of 12 including Dot and I who played Bunko together for over 40 years until we took a break during Covid.

Life has kicked me in the rear recently. As most of you know or will find out if you read this blog. We are a mutigenerational family. Our Son Bryan has been living with ALS  for over 15 years, my mother Dot shares a home with us and my husband of 54 years Jim. Jim has had a very difficult couple of years with his health.  He is now going through chemotherapy one day a week and Dialysis  three times a week.

When Jim started dialysis a few months ago, our long-time friends are the ones who would pick him up from treatment at 10:30 PM three nights a week. When they notice that I am having a down time, a dinner often appears at our door. This is love. It means so much for us to receive and for them to give.

When you are faced with tough times and a friend says” What can I do?” Don’t try to be self-sufficient, let them know what they can do to make life easier for you and the one in your care. Jim loves to have other people to talk with besides me!!

If you are the friend of someone who is ill, and or their caregiver, put it on your calendar to phone them once a week. Don’t say how is (the friend)? Say something like “I was thinking of you  and wondered if I can get you any thing or  drop a little something by and stay for SHORT visit.  Play the conversation by ear. The may want to talk about the illness or they may be grateful to be distracted by something new in your life.

We have dear friends ( Tom and Jim served  together in Vietnam) that we see every few years. They now talk on the phone every couple of weeks. I can tell that Jim always feels better after he has talked to one of his old High School Buddies ( who have now reconnected after attending a friends funeral.)

Friendship is a powerful tool. Give it and receive it openly. It is a gift too often taken for granted, something we know is there but we just don’t take time to appreciate.   This has become so obvious to me now. I am going to make a list of people that I need to call or write a note to.. Well, it will probably be a digital card. If you don’t hear from me right away….it is a very long list,

The Blending Begins

A year after we lost my Dad,  Dot moved into a condo that we totally renovated. She purchased new furniture and window treatments and was quite comfortable and content.

Let me preface this by saying that we are a very close family and she is at the center because of her unconditional love, amazing personality and sense of humor. She is more of a contemporary  than an elder and is a special part of my social circle. We have played in the same Bunko group for over 40 years. Megan calls her” Switzerland” because she tries to stay neutral when there is any conflict.

Before we began house hunting in earnest, we told Dot that we  were planning a space for her in the new home. We told her that she didn’t have to come with us right away, but that we were going to be sure that there was a place when she was ready. She told us that she would think it over. Two days later she  said that if we were sure, then she was IN! Jim assured her that this is what we all wanted.

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I’m not sure that this arrangement would work for every family. But we set out to make this home belong to all of us. Dot and Bryan were not moving in with Jim and Vicki; we would be sharing a home together. They are both paying rent and contributing to food costs. Each paid for certain aspects of the renovations.

Our Plum Tree home required an elevator and three remodeled bathrooms , so we knew that it would be 3-4 months before move in. Dot put her condo on the market and sold it in just a few days to someone who wanted two-week possession. She had to be out by October 31.

The timeline is a little crazy here, I had had major surgery on August 1 so I am less than 100%. At the same time, Jim was being treated for Crohn’s Disease.( I left that out of the beginning because I didn’t want to sound like a soap opera, but it is important now because of what is coming next) On October 14 (Our 48th Wedding Anniversary) Jim had a tumor removed. Seems it wasn’t  Crohn’s after all….just a touch of cancer! The Docs felt that they had removed it all but still recommended Chemo.

He came to Dot’s condo from the hospital so that we could care for him while we packed. Again, our incredible Megan had come to help care for her Dad while I worked only to be a part of the great move.